One year ago today I was at The Seattle School for meetings. I was not well. I had not slept much all week because I had a dry hacking cough whenever I would lie down.
Our meetings ended for the day. Amy, Jess and I were walking up a hill to go to dinner when I stopped. I could not breathe. I didn’t feel pain in my chest I had shortness of breath and I could not continue walking. Jess went and got the car and we went to dinner. I got home went to bed and coughed all night.
The next day I stayed home thinking I needed to rest and get well. I went through the weekend without improvement. First thing on Monday I went to the doctor. He diagnosed me with chronic bronchitis and for the next seven weeks I went about my life thinking I had bronchitis when all the while I was in congestive heart failure. In the weeks ahead I made two trips, one to San Diego and one to Thailand. When I returned from Thailand I was so sick my doctor finally decided to run tests to see if perhaps my bronchitis had morphed into something else. I ended up having an echocardiogram on April 3rd with the test result showing I was in heart failure. My heart had somehow taken a severe beating was enlarged and was only at a ten percent ejection fraction! The cardiologist did not know how I survived air travel to Thailand and back. He said, “You are lucky to be alive.”
In prior posts I have shared what happened from that time through the past ten months of recovery.
Today as I think back on this past year I have many feelings. So many thoughts. I am not sure how I can articulate how thankful I am to be alive. I am thankful for my family, friends, our faith community both local and beyond, for my doctors and therapist and for all of the love, prayers, care and support.
I have recovered beyond what my doctors ever thought possible. In my faith tradition, we believe that God is real, alive and active in our world. I believe God hears our prayers. So much of what I sense, believe and know about God is pure mystery – in fact I believe that is what ‘faith’ is – it’s believing and trusting in what you cannot see or prove. It is a deeper knowing, a sense and an inner trust in something bigger and greater than what we see. For me, it is a deep sense and a glimpse of something I cannot quite reach. It is a whisper that tells me this is not all there is, that one day all will be made well. Faith then fills up and pours over into hope, hope that whether I live or die I will be okay. Hope that no matter what my circumstances or how scary the world appears there will be a time when things will be made right.
So today, I am spending time sitting with thankfulness. Holding every kindness that has been given to me over this past year. Taking into my heart every prayer, every kind word, every gift and intention for goodness from countless people around the world.
This Psalm says it best for me:
1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the LORD:
“LORD, save me!”
5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The LORD protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return to your rest, my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
8 For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
10 I trusted in the LORD when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”
12 What shall I return to the LORD
for all his goodness to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.