It’s Always the Women
 “It’s always the women!” I listened as the elders in the room discussed a family that had decided to leave our church. There was considerable irritation in their voices. The family leaving had complained about how things were run by the leadership. Apparently, it was the wife who was struggling with church leadership decisions.  She talked with her husband, and they decided our church was not right for them and left. The elders at this meeting were all men. They commiserated, talking of other wives who had, in their words “poisoned their husbands” against the church. They agreed that women were a common source of trouble. I, being the troublesome sex, sat silent.

What’s in a Name?
It was the early 1990’s and my husband and I had planted this church a few years before. We followed the model of him being the Lead Pastor with a board of male elders. We both came from a strong complementarian background and though I often chafed under the rules of play, I didn’t question them.  I was as involved as he and did a lot of behind-the-scenes work, but there was a strong belief and practice that no woman could pastor or hold a leadership position. Although a woman led our Children’s Ministry for birth to 6^th grade, she was the Children’s Ministry Coordinator. The young male college student who taught the middle schoolers, well, he was the Youth Pastor. Women who led ministries were called Coordinators or Directors, but men who led ministries were Pastors. No matter the experience or gifting, the title of Pastor was for men only.

We Will Do a New Thing! (No, not really)
Fast forward about 10 years to the early 2000’s to our new church plant, this time a Vineyard church. We had joined the Vineyard movement, finding refreshment and grace in our new church home. After a while, they wholeheartedly sent us out to plant a church with a good-sized group of members.
We had changed quite a bit in 10 years. We personally were no longer tied to a model of male- only leadership. I especially wanted to do things differently. Most of our members still expected male pastors and leaders, with women helping in areas like Children’s Church, Hospitality and Women’s Ministry. We began slowly teaching and modeling a different way. Very slowly.

We began having married couples co-lead ministries like the Nursery, Hospitality and Greeters.
This worked well initially, but often the women ended up doing the actual work.  We heard
men complain about setting up coffee and doughnuts or caring for babies in the Nursery. Apparently, it was fine for their wives but not a good fit for them.

I began to see how embedded patriarchal thinking was in our people’s expectations and the wider church culture. Most of us had no other church experience than a patriarchal faith practice and view of scripture. We didn’t know there was any other way. And the men were in charge, so it was easy to blame them.

How Dare She?
We pushed a little harder. Our elders were a trustworthy group of men with no qualms about women pastors or leaders. They decided to add a woman to the elder board. She happened to be me. I was fulfilling the role without the title, so these men decided to set me apart as such. I felt honored, but nervous. They made the announcement of their intention and gave the congregation two weeks to ask questions or raise objections (a practice we followed when any elder was chosen). No concerns were brought forth. I was still nervous, but felt God was leading. The elders prayed for me during the service and “voila”, I was an elder. I felt supported and ready.

Soon I began to hear whisperings of gossip floating my way. The whispers took shape into a voice of disapproval. “She is a woman. The Bible says women can’t be pastors or elders.”
A few weeks later, a longstanding member approached me after the service to tell me they were leaving the church. “This is not a biblical church. You are going against God’s Word.  Women can’t serve as elders. The Bible is clear!”

She was the bass player’s wife.

Mind Blown
Why did I think a woman would feel differently about another woman being an elder? Why did I assume that only men would have a problem with female leadership?

The rules of the patriarchy are just as embedded in the beliefs of Christian women as men. My title as “elder” so violated her understanding of church leadership and biblical truth that she had to leave. I was surprised, yet I remembered when I held the same view. As a newly married wife, I read every Christian book about marriage I could. When I had children, I read more of the same viewpoints about family roles and responsibilities. There was so much pressure to be a Godly wife and mother. My success in this, and every other Christian woman’s, depended on how faithfully we followed the rules. It was hammered into us from our friends, mentors, women’s groups, and the pulpit. If we did not comply with God’s chosen place for us, we were rebellious, disobedient, and selfish. We believed it.

Be the Change
These days, I hurt for the burden put upon us. The burden to be quiet, to submit, to stifle our gifts. To lose ourselves in marriage or children.  It was a toxic set of rules then, and it still is.

I have chosen to discard this set of rules. To walk in the freedom that God wants for me, for each of us. There are many Christian women I know who are finding this different path of freedom.  We are holding hands with the Holy Spirit, asking to be led and transformed. The Spirit is faithful and present.  As She always has been.